I was terrible at science and math in school, and skipped out of so many courses in those fields that my left brain was practically wizened from lack of use by the time I graduated. And yet I feel perfectly qualified to comment on the latest buzzy scientific study: the one in which fatherhood is revealed as a testosterone killer.
In case you missed it, researchers at Northwestern University have spent 26 years measuring testosterone in a group of Filipino men, and have come to two conclusions: becoming a new father dramatically lessens a man's testosterone levels and staying involved as a parent reduces it even more. According to the study's authors, these decreased levels of testosterone are nature's way of making a new dad less likely to go rutting about while his spouse stays at home in fat pants. Alas, the study contains no evidence that this effect endures.
When I first read this study, I snarfed my coffee. This is news? Most laypeople already know that brand new dads are like half-inflated balloon versions of their old selves. Your average dude with an infant just doesn't have the energy to maintain a full calendar of sordid trysts with their Nannies or Mannies -- but that's not entirely a testosterone issue.
So, in the spirit of contributing to science, which is to say using fancy medical jargon to describe obvious phenomena, I would like to append the research to include 5 more shocking effects of new fatherhood:
Ocular Re-coloration. While the irises of a new father retain their original color, the surrounding small blood vessels on the whites of his eyes are likely to become inflamed due to decreased oxygen in the tissues. Known colloquially as "bloodshot eyes," this dramatic effect has been attributed to fatigue or interrupted sleep. (Preliminary study suggests this is the baby's fault.)
Metronome Syndrome: On the spectrum of so-called "phantom limb" reactions, in which a person is plagued by imagined sensations from a severed limb, new dads may be observed rocking side to side or swaying like a metronome in public places, as if rocking a baby when none is present. This learned behavior is internalized without the cognizance of the father, who may be termed "in the zone."
Cyclical Catatonia:. Fathers deeply engaged in child-rearing, whether as full or part-time stay-at-home-dads, are shown to have predictable periods of total inertia, both physical and mental. Onset is most likely to coincide with or immediately follow the child's bedtime, with symptoms including slumped posture, fixed position for several hours, and an inability to further respond to any request beginning, " I want..." Astute observers may note the marked contrast between the crisis-averting, discipline-enforcing, pretend-play whiz of the midday hours and the unresponsive sloth watching "Hoarders" at night.
Coprolalia: The behavior in which one cannot resist uttering obscenities or derogatory remarks is typically a hallmark of neuropsychiatric syndromes or head injury, but the largest population with an increased disposition to the behavior is new dads. Uncharacteristic swearing is most often directed at inanimate objects (i.e. a recalcitrant infant car seat buckle) while slurs are typically reserved for one's mate, as in: "What kind of brainless idiot forgets to pack a back-up pacifier?".
Coitus Abbreviatus: Any sexual relations, should they occur, will be limited in duration, but comparisons to past performance is to be avoided, so as to not prompt Coprolalia. (See previous symptom.)
The critical reader might well note that all five side effects apply to the female parent as well -- as does the study's claim that new dads are more likely to stay by the cradle instead of hitting the bars. Most parents of either gender are more likely be focused on the home after a child enters the picture, in part because parents are so physically depleted and emotionally spent in those days.
So what's the big deal? According to the researchers, the real nugget is that this brief period of hearth-and-home devotion is the first evidence that dads have a biological connection to parenthood, as if men need scientific permission to be fathers. My quibble with the study is not its statistics but its packaging: the researchers have presented their findings in a way that backhandedly reinforces the stereotype that parenthood is women's work. For a dad to do the same things as a mom requires a measurable aberration in his hormone levels, as his manly man juice takes a hit for the sake of the family. Pardon me, but I have eye-rolling to do.
Perhaps I'll conduct a study of my own. I'll use a very small sample (two dads, one child) and in a few decades, I'll let you know what I've discovered. I bet I'll learn a lot, but something tells me that testosterone -- or lack thereof -- won't play a big role in my findings.